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I AM


I am curious. I am inviting. I am beautiful. I am imaginative.


Currently discovering, quite fabulously, that wen I live my life according to my true essence of being I am fulfilled. When I look at a picture of my younger self, maybe 3 years old, I get a strong taste of my natural qualities.


Seeking has been my action for decades. Looking for something outside myself to fill me up. What does fulfillment mean to you? According to Google: Fulfillment is 1. the achievement of something desired, promised or predicted and 2. the meeting of a requirement or condition. Both of these definitions fall flat for me. I am currently enrolled in a certification program with the Co-Active Training Institute which offers fulfillment is a state of being: "It is about being wholly alive. Fulfillment is our birthright, yet choosing to live one's life based on a model of fulfillment, on personal values and preferences is a radical act."


What do you value? What do you prefer? Fulfillment is personal, individualized. Mine may not look like yours. This is tremendously refreshing, on many levels.


I learned how to create Value Strings. They deepen my understanding and connection with a particular value, making it quite specific to me. When I explore this with another person, it will make their value distinct from my own and lessen my assuming mind. I enjoy this type of detailing. In a conversation with my brother yesterday we got granular about greeting customers. He ended with "...as if you were bringing them into your home."


HOME, what does it mean to me? What feelings does it evoke? What sound does it make? Do I see a color? Does it have a texture? A scent? Home is comfort, safety, connection, creative, romance, nurturing, release and fun. It means wholeness to me, it is where everything in my life comes together: people, family, dreams, and inspiration. The sound it makes is a low deep hum, found in a cave above a body of water, holding space. The color of HOME is a royal blue, with a hint of red so it can look purple in sunlight. It feels like a weighted blanket of course cotton, it has substance and cannot slip away. It smells like apple cake fresh from the oven. There is magic here.


For several decades I have been trying so hard for so long to be someone else. I will go so far as to say I have been denying myself, maybe even avoiding my true nature, or at the very least, unable to accept it. How do I know this? Because I am doing less of it. I am realizing (which is the same thing I already appreciate in my kids) that my distinct qualities are essential to my being. What makes me unique is in fact my gift to the world. I am surrounded by messages telling me to fit in, and what I really need to do is stand out. This takes courage. And it can feel like a leap of faith. The inspiration comes from "What have I got to lose?" When I inhabit this space of being fully aligned with my values, an ease sets in throughout my body, it is effortless and natural. My favorite indicator is the excitement I feel when I rise, my inability to stay in bed is a thrilling way to start my day.


For years I was uncomfortable being me, seemed I did not know how to enjoy my own company. I spent most of my time seeking approval and acceptance elsewhere. How did I do that? By looking at your life and figuring out how I could make it better for you. There was no way in hell I could attend to my own, I lacked the tools. I was on automatic function mode. I proudly visualized myself the juggler: managing/controlling/throwing balls in a specific direction. Rooted in a stiff stance with clenched jaw, I generated deep focus while holding my breath. I made my world happen from this place, most likely yours too (so I believed). Juggling with force did not leave room for much else, surprises were not welcome. I was serious all the time. In my mind, it was here that I was most useful, worthy and purposeful. In my heart, I was lonely, sad and full of ache. I would not acknowledge this openly, I didn't know how to be with these emotions, I had to keep them tucked away.


Now, I envision myself sailing along, riding atop a surfboard, traveling a wave toward ANYWHERE. The sky is bright, the wind is blowing, my face is overcome with smiling while breathing. I am feeling the thrill and delight life has to offer. Everything is here, NOW, wonderfully weaving a vibrant scene for me to experience. All is welcome. This is a HUGE statement. (Who am I to judge what belongs and what doesn't?) And as I have noticed before, the hard bits help me grow. My children are my closest teachers...and they are tireless. My mother and my siblings come next, and we are finding a new way amidst my HOLDING space for everything as it is. Messy exists. It is heartfelt. And it is transformational.


My juggler is still here. There are moments that demand specifics, an element of control, or just that I remember. This version of me can support the surfer, and it is welcomed. I need all of my qualities, even if some of them have been blown out of proportion in the past. Outcome is no longer a goal, can I say that? I feel less rigid, more accepting of collaborative efforts. The burden of solution is not mine alone. My world is expanding through everyone contributing, I get to choose what I bring home. I am also growing my ability to sit with my emotions, to hold them with respect and curiosity. None of this is easy. It is my choice to keep my focus personal while listening to my heart.


Being in a state of fulfillment will carry me forward with grace. This is a quality that I truly appreciate. Envision the sage, wise knowing with an engaging smirk, a twinkle in her eyes: "All will be well". My son went through something big a month ago, it was involved, unfamiliar, scary and intense. My daughter wanted me to 'fix' it and was mad at me for not 'doing more'. Sometimes life is bigger than me, my only place is to be in it. This is the second time in our lives that my son has spun us around to reassess. Some major structures had to change, we drew ourselves inward, held each other close and chose not to let go. Together we are one magnificent force. This also affected our people on the outside and not everybody was on board. We don't always like what is happening, that's for sure. Lessons come in all shapes and sizes. It is how we handle them and accept them that is most telling. (All I can say is I am improving on this front.)


Now I am busy being me. Looks like I can't get enough of myself. When I turn my actions of curiosity, invitation, caring and interest inward, time stops and the wonderful dance begins. This is my home base. Here I feel safest. Heavensent. I am creative throughout, always generating, this feels amazing to acknowledge. Living with intention is my key to happiness. Slowing down and listening also grows my awareness in a beautiful way. I have everything I need to be fulfilled. I am shedding old patterns of what relationship is 'supposed to be'. I am also redefining myself, recognizing my own vulnerable places and tasting fear as I embrace myself deeply. I am my own foundation. I experience healthier interpretation. Intuition is a precious guide. TRUST is powerful. Nobody else can point me toward my own fulfilling path, this is something only I can uncover for myself. I need to breathe that in. I am the only person who can design my life on purpose.


COVID-19 is a challenge. It stands as a marker for my big shift, choosing for myself. I am experiencing deep resonance with my choices as much of the world around me is in chaos. My two teenagers are struggling with online classes, their own needs to individuate and strong desire to be with friends. Living on Unemployment Benefits and creating a new business for myself has been an act of courage, a brave step forward. Holding my head high with heart full I am inspiring my way. Abundance isn't a thing, it is a feeling. And no matter what I am experiencing of the world or in my personal life, when I am in a place of fulfillment, honoring my values and preferences will keep me whole. I can still get lost mentally, I can get angry, I can also be humble and I can be clear. Everything is possible. None of this is a smooth ride, it feels more like a dance, for me this is living.








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