Updated: Sep 14, 2020
Do not try to save the whole world? Really? Why not? Isn't that what I am supposed to do? Rescue all, foreverly.
What is motivation exactly? Where does it come from? I have been looking at my strength, eye to eye, toe to toe, head on so to speak. I got it, lots of it and I have never really noticed it before. Recognition. I can see how my courage is forged in the fires of challenge. This is where I get motivated. I transmute struggle into opportunity. It is scary, it is daring and it can get messy.
I am powerful. I am sturdy. I am capable. I am durable.
When I look over my shoulder, those qualities do not flood my memories. I recall feeling small, inconsequential, unseen, unheard, unloved and absolutely replaceable. What did all this low level awareness get me? It got me doing a whole lot more for others than was necessary, pretty sure it looked something close to 'my saving the world'.
I laugh now, deep and hearty, like my dad. None of this burden afflicts my kids (as far as I can tell). My daughter, now, is lounging on the couch, TV on, with phone in hand, chocolates nearby, fresh cut fruit (plan B) and a tall glass of water to quench her thirst. She embodies enjoyment as I witness relax and ease. Bliss.
Do I sound jealous? Could be. Just a bit. But I am not so far away anymore. I am consciously creating space- it is my thing- so I can expand and release along the way. I was wound too tight for decades, filled with unhappy feelings that only cinched me tighter. This life, mine, needs to be more than just struggle. Yes, I am strong and I can handle big stuff. I can use my strength for bliss too. I know I am supposed to be more than just a survivor. I get to be a leader too.
I do not need to save the world, agreed. I absolutely can make a difference, lend a hand and create beauty for all to enjoy. I can make a mark that will be remembered by a few. Do I want to be the wind or the trees? Both. Together is the dance.