My commitment to self gets compromised in my belief that YOU are my responsibility. Call it conditioning. AlAnon was my first self-care teacher and I am finding more inspiration along the way.
As I let go of what I think I am 'supposed' to be doing, I find space to activate my creative.
On my drive home from work yesterday my mom called to tell me: "I appreciate all you do for the business. And I do not want to see you working on Saturdays and Sundays anymore. Stay home, be with your kids." I smiled so big as I was already trying to figure out where I could take more time to be at home. I said: 'Thanks mom, that is exactly the nudge I needed". Sometimes I need permission and I am really happy to say my mom gave me just enough to take better care. Lucky me!
I have been journaling about my limiting beliefs: 1. I need a man to make me whole and 2. I cannot afford it. Looks like these two ANCIENT beliefs are intertwined. When I revisit my marriages I can recognize my need to fulfill a 'rescue fantasy' that feeds right into the limitations of these two beliefs. If I add cultural attitudes to these scenarios (First husband was Indian/English and second husband was Danish) both men had deeply ingrained beliefs about providing and decision making. Both were very black and white thinkers. So they supported my own sincere belief that I needed to be with someone who could financially provide and make serious decisions.
On paper, this all looked perfect.
And then life happened. My fabulous personality created some serious conflict. As I was bending and accommodating and negating my own desires, I became seriously unhappy. All this molding myself to fit into somebody else's vision of me was quite devastating. I left my first husband the day after he told me he expected me to be a 'trophy wife': to look pretty, entertain his clients and perform wifely duties with a smile. Because I did not actually transform after this marriage, I licked my wounds and compounded my belief system with a strong sense of victim. I left my second husband after a year of his silence and a rehab round that clearly showed me we were incompatible. I took my kids and ran for the hills. The emotional abuse in both relationships was not strong enough to keep me bound. I found my wings and took flight. The echo of those beliefs is lessening. By naming and identifying I cut the chord.
The message today is both Loud and Clear:
I am enough
I have my own voice
I am free to grow in any direction I choose
I am abundant
I am my own medicine
This cycle of proving myself worthy (doing too much for others/negating my own needs) offers no reward. When I look back on the decades of practice I can clearly see all the emptiness and dissatisfaction.
Releasing myself from this old notion of needing to be dominated is a HUGE step forward in claiming my identity. My partner will support my vision of self, see me for who I am and appreciate all my talents. I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for another. I will take better care to consider requests, to feel my gut and respond accordingly. I choose to be available to ME. I am the priority in my story.
I am ready.