Have you heard of necessary losses ? The ones that hurt like hell and help you grow?
I bring it up because I no longer want to be in bed ALL the time. It seems I have fully mourned my divorce from July 2015.
My familiar desire to LIE DOWN, take a break, rest and ignore what needs to be done has disappeared.
The incapacitating depression has left my body. And I can only say this now because it no longer holds me down. Living it was real and a part of me was unaware. I do not know that I was conscious of it. I mean, life goes on and we manage layers of living/doing/growing even when we feel terrible. We are quite amazing that way. Some of us talk about it a little bit, maybe incessantly or simply groan foreverly while others don't- they just muscle through their ache in quiet persistence.
My short version: I did not realize I was depressed until I wasn't anymore. Does that sound crazy?
I do not think I was disconnected, I was something more like focused on being different and moving on. Which gave me inspiration and also the space to LIE DOWN. This attitude is more related to acceptance than anything else. I was agreeing to acknowledge and support my truth moment to moment. I have a long history of sacrifice to worry, fear and other. When I considered the fact that maybe I do not have to live miserably anymore, I opened the door to my horizontal retreat without guilt, which was a magnificent feat.
If any of you have experienced this you probably know how dreadful the thinking can grow. I have openly shared with friends the long list of things I ought to be doing instead of lying down. And we would wholeheartedly agree that resting is necessary. It was one of these moments that I realized my "to-do" list was a trap of sorts, if I finished it, I would have to make another. My efficiency and my task oriented nature would yield chore-like drudgery with little satisfaction. Maybe I could slow down and improve my quality of doing? Maybe I could create delicious experience along the way so that I tasted a new flavor all together?
Loss can generate so much sadness that the process of mourning helps us acknowledge our pain, slowly heal the wound and eventually stand tall again, full well knowing you are better for all of it. This is a process in time.
Somebody told me once that it takes two years to know another. I heard also that it takes five years to recover from divorce. How long does it take to heal from a loss? Hard to say because it depends on so many things, we are like onions, right? I am going to suppose here, that it can take a lifetime to know ourselves. I absolutely was disconnected from myself for decades, diligently working toward what I thought I was supposed to be. It looked similar to a hamster running on a wheel. I was committed and going super fast. And when I look back on those motivating thoughts, I am certain they were not my voice nor my vision. That is a big pill to swallow. here I am now, owning my truth and discovering my way. It is way better NOW than before.
2015. Even though many other things have happened since then, I believe I am finally free from my burden of failure. Yes, I said it. No, I do not miss my husband or want him back. Looks like I spent these years mourning the loss of my marriage and family relationship in that picture. I absolutely know it was a necessary loss for me because it has brought me closer to home-where my heart lives. Again, I have a long history of giving myself away for what I will label 'the greater good'. It has taken me five decades to realize (which you may already know) that my life is my business.
Some of us are unfamiliar with what we need and what we want. Especially if we have been afraid to know ourselves. Discovering deep down truth can be terrifying. Another process. Be gentle and take your time, it is a worthy undertaking.
I am listening and learning. I am taking good care of myself through my thinking, my behavior and my attitude. I know how to do this.
"All is fundamentally well".
I heard Joan Jett say today on the radio that her persona is all about perseverance. I paraphrase: "Don't let anybody squash your dreams, if you want it, go for it."