My recent conversations have been mind blowing. Which is exceptional. If I can let go of my thinking I am more inclined to be living.
Two days ago I was talking with my friend Jenn about regrets. I cannot remember exactly how we got there and the statement I delivered went something like this: "I will not hold any regret for what has happened-my mistakes, my pains, my struggles and all my absolutely fantastic have made me who I am today. I am happily determined (fingers crossed) to do it different going forward. In other words, if I have learned any of my lessons, I can consciously evoke a new experience. That 'broken record syndrome' gets old fast."
Yesterday I spoke with Jane, who took me down the quantum road. She said: "No matter what has happened, regardless of my choices, I would still be here today as this is exactly what I am meant to be experiencing." She went on to explain that whatever choices she made, her destiny is set. "A frozen river" I think she called it. (OMG!!!!!) If this is digestible, then imagine really freeing yourself from all that remembering bathed in "what ifs".
I learned recently that my disconnect breeds my loneliness. When I lose myself in 'other' or allow for 'mental distraction' and forget to take me along, the void can get large. In all honesty, I am comfortable there, I identify with pain. On some level, my confusion gives me purpose. I won't call it my "happy place" but my understanding of 'default' or 'auto-pilot' seems to give me a free ride, like I am a subscriber of sorts.
As I draw myself in to feel my truth, I find a wealth of information. I can detect the patterns I have created and practiced for decades. I THINK they make me feel safe (they are habits) and I absolutely recognize how they no longer serve me. Actually, I knew way back when(1988) that my tendency to 'overgive' was unfulfilling. But I had no idea how to stop it or what else to do. So I did it MORE and just kept giving myself away.
Speaking with my friend Fiona today we uncovered this: "When I am struggling with what to do, I will interpret it as an invitation to DO NOTHING. Pause, stop, get still and feel the truth of the moment: recognize, allow, investigate and nurture (R.A.I.N. as taught by Tara Brach- https://youtu.be/HdviZ2ISxfc ). I do not think it is easy. Watching myself resist, then holding space for the emotions to flow with a final expression of compassion can appear maybe unnecessary and time consuming. I am a girl who enjoys a challenge. I also can attest to my new approach delivering a peace. Getting to know me is a really good idea. Practice is my key. Change is possible. Acceptance works.
EpiGenetics is another fantastic piece that pushed me forward with a smile. I am no scientist, but this is what I understand. We used to believe/think that genetics predisposed us to certain experiences. If my mom had it, I would most likely get it. And if I THINK I will get it, I most likely will. (duh) Now we know that it has nothing to do with genes, it has everything to do with environment. Don't take my word for it-check out the research from Dr. Bruce Lipton. (Mind Blowing) My short version: we can change our minds and we can heal. How I think dictates my experiences as my perceptions/interpretations of the world around me are greatly influenced by my thoughts. I am clearing out the NEGATIVE.
The other day I was doing the dishes and I could feel myself getting angry. It was really clear that I did not want to be doing them. My head said: "You have to clean this kitchen". I shut off the water (rebel) and walked over to my couch to sit next to my son. I could feel anxiety rise and a discomfort grow. My head: " What are you doing?" My body: "Nothing". My son started talking (sharing), we began giggling and he played my favorite songs on his iPad to welcome my staying company. Connection. It is all we need.
I am at the beginning of a self-care trend that feels true. Relieving in many ways.
I was told yesterday that I can love someone that has hurt me. On the surface this resonates, 'cuz I have parents and siblings. When I travel this outside my family to those other people that have hurt me, I begin to wonder how I have held onto my pain/hate so vigilantly. I suspect there's an identity piece interwoven here and I KNOW it does not help me, really. I have hurt myself, many times, and I need all the love I can muster if I aim to BE okay with me. My support and kindness toward self has more power/value than anyone else's. Time to integrate.
We came together and decided a personalized license plate could be fun. We have always named our cars: Zelda (a white volvo station wagon) was our first. We wanted something special, meaningful and now. We settled on GREAT2B when DMV accepted it. Ha. And we are so happy to remind ourselves often.