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Updated: Dec 18, 2020

It seems I have been on a path for quite some time now, seeking myself. This may sound weird, considering I have been living with me since my beginning. Some are born knowing and others use their time discovering. That's me. I have been unfolding for the past 7 years, before that I was piling on, moving so fast with a depth of urgency that left me breathless. Buried deep I kept my original, hidden and protected. I was incubating that part of me, mustering the courage to bring her forth. It's happening, I can feel it.

A client says to me in our session: "I feel squished", I ask "What is squishing you?" and she offers "Everybody else's choices." There it is, the very familiar reality, the actual distraction that has kept me from paying sincere attention.

My connection with doubt and insecurity is strong, mainly because I have carried it with me for so long. I am ready for a different experience, feeling good from within for instance, and carrying me happily forward, rooted in contentment, regardlelss of the surrounding circumstances. I want to shine bright. A friend told me today that my light will attract others. (I am ready).

Reading (4th time through) The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks I am introduced to the idea of living in my Zone of Genius. It is centered around this simple question: "What do I love to do? What is that one thing I can do all day long without getting tired or bored? He also introduces me to my upper limits, those places (self-sabotage) where I stop myself from expanding due to a deep rooted belief that I cannot inhabit my full potential. So far I understand this to be an ego problem. I am telling you now, I am intrigued by this Zone of Genius. What is it and how do I get there?

My yoga teacher tells me I am reclaiming physical flexibility, cultivating mental clarity and spiritual calm. Feeling my body in active support, concentrating with focused attention, balancing, swimming through mental distraction while directing my limbs and listening while doing. Her voice, my body. In this space I attempt to be with myself fully. All of me. Here, I witness my ability to recycle all that I have into reusable material and rid myself of any excess. In this place of heated concentration, I know I like intensity, challenge is transformative. It brings me to my edge often, where I can muster a breath and an intentional pause or simply fall, to begin again, or not. I make a choice in every moment.

How do I salvage my innocence? Is that even possible? As I dive deep and remember my small self, I tuck her close and cultivate appreciation for all the wonder she exudes. I begin to feel her simple Nature driven by heart. Her creativity is both playful and curious. She is thoughtful, receptive and brings her observations inward. She is beautiful in her being, a quiet soul that does not make unnecessary noise. In my adult body I consider how my thinking has complicated my life and greatly influenced my emotions. I have been ranting and raving for years in a vivid scramble to make some sense of myself. Redeeming a conscious behavior of being contradicts much of what I have learned. There is a stronger element, a desire to outwardly function, which thwarts the beauty that already exists. Awareness is useful.

My daughter grabs a watermelon out of the fridge, cuts it in half, adds a straw and a spoon. What mastery! Her intuition is a combination of playful and practical efficiency. I am inspired. Be willing to be surprised and do not let an idea go by, ever, without exercising it in some way. Maybe this is how I pull up my orginal qualities. I want to suppose all the ideas I generate are coming from that innocence, an infusion of interjections during my day-to-day. Who cares about what happens or doesn't happen? Really. If I give up exploring my life feels a little dull, almost redundant. Possibility demands imagination. I might just go stick a straw in everything I find today and see what juice I can sip. Being preoccupied with getting it right is suffocating. Thinking I might get in trouble for doing me is beginning to look like a big waste of time, again, who really cares?

I learned yesterday that my skeletal health affects my Autonomic Nervous System, which essentially regulates bodily functions. Currently I have a few spinal issues, causing nerve and digestive problems. The intricate nature of our beings is fascinating, this new information carries a big message for me to take really good care. Intention is not enough, knowing how and when feels relevant. I have a sadness around not doing this work sooner. And here I am. Now I will engage in new practices to maintain proper alignment and improve my health from the inside out. I will restore. I mentioned to a friend a few days ago "With the onset of this second Stay at Home Order, I am given a chance to really explore my self discipline, execute a health regimen on my own." As I leave my doctor's office he asks me to walk before I drive and adds: "You have value, you matter, walk like a queen with head and chest high."

In a coaching triad with some colleagues I discovered that generating faith and trust toward self is a great support system, it will always carry me. The short version: believe in yourself. I have no idea why this is so hard. My son represents this is full force as he shares his words to a friend: "Bro, don't worry about me, I am good. Take care of yourself, you do you. If I don't want to hang with those kids because they make me feel uncomfortable, just let me be. We can hook up another time." He repeated the message using other words and I think my jaw fell open. His confidence in being himself is a strong presence in our household. The influence is real, it shows me I have a choice to convert my sense of inadequate into something else closer to a process for learning. Messy and wobbly are the signatures of my growing knowledge and experience. Negative judgment is not needed here, it only muddles the education. I do not struggle with perfection so much as I tend to tackle figuring it out faster, obsessed with completion and moving onto the next hurdle. Just writing it gives me a headache. Remember that urgency I mentioned earlier? Well it feels closer to absurdity than anything else. I am missing much of what is here in the process. Pleasure and joy never need to be rushed. When I am really connected to what I am doing, my concept of time disappears. This is luxury.

It feels like reconditioning. Diving inside to pull out all the nuggets of wisdom I buried deep along the way is like a treasure hunt. I guess the onion metaphor works here too, peeling away those outer layers, to uncover the cherished gold at the heart of my being. My new focus is nourishing my roots and cultivating all the seedling talents I brought into this lifetime. Clearly they developed along the way even when I thought they lay dormant. What I am recovering is my knowing. It is the best way for me to describe it, a courageous truth that exhibits those qualities unique: my creativity, my introspection, my generosity, my capacity for learning, and my sincere interest in helping others through my own experience. This is from where I will shine my light forward and enrich the world around me. This is easy for me. There is no trying to do here. That's the genius part, effortless.

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