Do you think we are all Super Heroes? In our own way? On our own terms? I like this idea of identifying our strengths, the ones that stem from the dark areas of our past, or what some of us may think are our weaknesses. The parts of you that have been criticized over time. I was asked to consider what mine might be. To personally diagnose (I'd say) and revisit those qualities of shame/embarrassment and take a different look. Shift my perspective and opinion.
What's tough is my immediate reaction to the investigation. Because I get transported back to all the pain, confusion, desperate doing and self loathing I have carried for years. Which shows me how stuck I can get, if I allow myself. So I have to step back and see from the outside the girl I used to be. All I did was work with what I had and sincerely provide what I needed most: stability. Some of it was practical and some of it was emotional. In short, I showed up, I persevered and I delivered. The flip side could be seen as a 'giving up', where I championed for others I at once let go of myself. Conditions come to mind, I had an agenda embedded in my efforts, like seeking approval or some sort of validation. (No blame here, just awareness) And what about me? What happened to me exactly? How did I benefit? Did I get what I needed? I jumped on that treadmill of doing for everyone else and completely forgot about my own needs. Or so I think. When I look back, that was my calling. I was meant to be in that place at that time, doing exactly what I was doing. Because it made me who I am today. It in itself was purposeful. Not sure I would change it. It wasn't until recently, when I actually decided to jump off, that I can begin to really appreciate all that came before. Helping others is a gift, draining myself in that cause is not useful, ever, for anyone involved. Managing my output and input is necessary. This is the beauty of time, as it goes on I can see quality everywhere.
I am recognizing that my old formula for an old problem is no longer needed. So I am in 'redesign' mode. My sensitivity is my superpower. Along with my vulnerability and transparency. And here's a truth, these elements have long been criticized by people in my life along the way. I have doubted the presence of these characteristics often, thinking them to be deficient, expressions of weakness and hardly strengths. Today, here and now, I am owning them as my birthright, let's call them gifts. Why? Mainly because they keep showing up. And that is a sign. My ability to feel everything is my gateway to immeasurable understanding. Being able to express myself, honestly will most likely make some feel uncomfortable. And every time I deny myself, I suffer. In this place I can serve others as well as myself by cultivating compassion. Today I came up with a NEW FORMULA. Centered around my superpowers. This stands as my first conscious exercise in taking action fueled by my sensitivity. Holding space for real expression without judgment. As a family, we get to let it out so all can step forward to support, no right or wrong, just truth. We held our first family meeting centered around a sensitive topic: their dad. Both kids participated in their way and it was accepted. I have no idea if it was helpful to them. And I can tell you this, it absolutely made me feel better. I learned today that my inclination to hide, ignore and pretend is actually a sign, an INVITATION to step forward, into the arena of discomfort and unknown, because it is only here that I will show my strength and grow the connection I so desperately need. It can be messy, I can be shaky and unsure, and everything will be okay. My willingness to participate on behalf of my feelings is enough. My sensitivity is also my weakness. I can, quite easily, take on everyone's feelings and lose course quickly. Overwhelm comes to mind. This reality makes my self - care mandatory. I need to be vigilant. It is really important that I not stretch myself too thin, that I be calculated in how and where I focus my energy. This is new to me, taking personal responsibility. And this admission makes me more proud than sad because it reflects my shift. I am no longer in a pattern of behavior that no longer serves me, I am having new healthy experience. I am the light I wish to see in the world. I model by example. I may trip (often) and I will pick myself up and reclaim my place. It is easy for me to focus on the negative, my mistakes. I can make myself sick to my stomach. I start to freak out...want to quit...run for the hills...get the hell out. I can readily feel the weight of exhaustion spread through my body as I start to buckle. My path to success may be really choppy, bumpy, and unsure at times. Nonetheless, I am here and I am down for the ride. Some of my necessary supplies needed along the way: -My daily grounding practice of swimming under the stars, followed by meditation. -Connecting with my kids through indoor/outdoor play -Being in NATURE -Writing -Contemplation-recognizing what matters to me-practicing patience with my thoughts. -Learning. I need to grow my personal education. This is a conscious evolution and it carries weight for me. -Being/Engaging with people who feel me, see me and value me.
All is possible!!!!