"Mom, getting drunk was really fun".
Not too long ago I would have responded with yelling and screaming. Here my head was nodding as I allowed his truth to seep into my being. And my thoughts started rolling: My dad was an alcoholic, your dad is an alcoholic, we have lost many to drugs, and you are too young to be drinking, wtf??!!!???
How do I make impermanence my friend? I am quite practiced at rolling with it, seriously, I have been adapting for years. I think we all know that change is inevitable. Look at human development, brain and body. Look at Nature. Transformation is everywhere. This helps me greatly as I start to comprehend that this current shared experience will not last. Especially if I choose not to feed my fears and act toward my son's actions as failures.
I remember when I first tried a cigarette, with two friends who were pros. I swear, I had it all figured out, I was not going to cough or freak out in any way. I was going to be really cool. All I remember is their laughter and my humiliation. I think I ran out of the apartment as soon as I got myself off the bathroom floor, I had been holding onto the toilet rim with a firm grip. Michelle and Sarah were their names, my friends, who seemingly set me up to fail and I fell for it, willingly. I think I was 10 years old.
At 13, I was helping with cleanup behind the scenes at a grand opening and decided it would be fun to finish off all the drinks people left behind. Why waste it? And what could happen? So early on I was a swill drinker. I got plowed. Just a nonsensical rambling and bumbling teen. That formula followed me for a long time. I didn't try pot (that I can remember) until I was a sophomore in high school. I was definitely a cigarette smoker by then. Cocaine came next which soon became my drug of choice, coupled with booze, as they both fed my neurotic personality so well: giving me the confidence I thought I needed. When I look back, I can totally appreciate my son's curiosity. As I recognize what I was escaping- my truth in feeling unloved, unseen and inadequate I wonder deeply from what my son might be running? Does he feel inadequate?
So I asked him. And he reports: "I am just exploring mom".
What is real? Our feelings in a moment can be misleading as they can be so big and demanding..
"Always recognize the dreamlike qualities of life and reduce attachment and aversion." We are feeling beings, we are humans. Curiosity and investigation are a big part of our experience. They are necessary qualities because they help us grow. It is quite clear: I am attached to an idea of how we are supposed to be and quite averse to what is here. I will change.
STUCK is not my preferred state. I have been there often and it may have served me at times (I can only hope). I am seeking a more malleable Meighan these days, it is more appealing, especially while I am living with budding beings. Duh.
