Who are we without all the stuff we don or the things we think we need, the "polish" as one friend names it? Some of us wear it or buy it to fit in, show off, feel current, protect, influence...or just because we like it. So now what? I am exploring what happens to me when nobody sees me, how do I choose to show up? Right now, Zoom gets me out of my PJ's (sometimes). Can I just be who I am the way I am all the time? This is not depression, only wonder. I get to investigate my superficial, actually decide if it holds any value for me.
I am beginning to recognize how I protect myself from myself. The little things I do to ignore my feelings in the moment, like apologizing or going quiet, any form of denial really. I learned yesterday that my intuition is a powerful tool and honing it can be an asset in my life experience. "Intuition is never wrong, it is useless until you let it out." It is in fact our interpretation of intuition that may be wrong.
Our lives have been forever changed. We are getting back to basics. All my friends laugh at how much money we are saving by NOT shopping, anywhere. We are definitely struggling financially, along with most everyone else and we are improving our values. Neighbors and friends alike, comment often on how all this walking, relaxing around, watching Springtime bloom and at home play is deeply nourishing, something we have been missing for a long long time. We are redesigning, now that we have been unmasked from all the superficial that inundated our lives. As one friend shared with me today: "The only power we have is who we become through all of this". Nobody I know really wants to go back to the way it was before, we are embracing all this new and adapting accordingly. Quality is improving on many fronts. Being in this all together is a real blessing of support.
In my new world of breathable masks, I am prevented from reading beautiful facial expressions. My gloved hands keep me from feeling anything with the tips of my fingers, sensation is limited. I notice how much I took for granted in the olden days, four weeks ago. A new distance exists amidst the social we are living. The polarization is giving me time to really sit with myself. This veiled connection to the outside world only heightens my affinity inward. This is exciting stuff. All I have ever wanted is to know myself and I am no longer afraid to learn, inquire and experience authentically. Hell, I am being forced to do this because I am unwilling to deny the truth of now.
Watching The Biggest Little Farm last night, I was impacted by multiple messages. Personally inspired by John and Molly's willingness to pursue their dream, really go for it, even though they could not know the HOW up front, this gives me hope. None of it was easy, and they never gave up. The hard times deepened their commitment to the farm and themselves. Unity actualized. I appreciate the solidity in partnership and community. Transformation is at the root of this story, cultivation through care and attention.
Allowing solution to evolve, working with the components of the problem instead of reaching outside of myself feels unfamiliar. I keep thinking I am supposed to know how to fix something by seeking information from afar, usually abandoning myself in the process. Staying close and involved is the message I receive from Nature. There is a larger power at work that seems to hold everything. Given the time, the answers will come. Hard to tell right now when I feel like a jumble of nerves on a quest for sanity! To laugh at one's own ridiculous...that is humble medicine...when bearing witness it looks like a deep knowing of self, perhaps this is where confidence resides.
As I move through the reality of COVID-19 I am stripped of an old definition of purpose. I am feeling particularly adrift. I wonder if this is just a reaction to the 'not knowing' piece this pandemic brings? I also find something pushing me forward to explore new territory, stuff I know nothing about. If I call it a big dream, it is only a feeling I pursue as I cannot see it, yet. I sense a strong opportunity to cultivate something that will feed my soul, to create and benefit my community. I yearn to focus my energy in a way that will allow me to laugh in the midst of chaos because it is so clear that I am operating from my heart. I know this exists.
Why is this activated seeking so scary? Because it does not fit into the structure I am told works? The one we are all SUPPOSED to aspire? I am not sure we can hold onto those cultural guidelines anymore. Everything feels 'up for grabs'. I want to explore myself out in the world of possibilities. I do not want to be labelled and I do not want to be 'good' necessarily, I am bold and intense by design.
I meditated with my kids in the garden yesterday, to heal the world.
Here we are, living together, alone. I am assisting and supporting my kids in accepting their core identity, while attempting to recover my own. COVID-19 is inviting us to do this. Why does it feel so hard? Unfamiliar always feels hard. Do I feel guilty? For striving? This awful message is deeply ingrained: "You don't deserve to be happy." I think I first adopted it when I was four years old. I have spent most of my life proving myself to others (quite unsuccessfully). What I have learned, through tireless measures, is that my opinion of self is all that matters. As I sit with this truth more and more, I can hardly imagine my life without the self-imposed pressure to be like everyone else. I will. I must! Because honestly, this is MY LIFE.
My son spent three hours under the house yesterday in what we now refer to as "Spider Central". He ran an ethernet cable from our living room modem to his computer, for better connectivity and speed. Apparently that is something we NEED. He would communicate through the floor registers, howling demands or begging attention with grunts and groans. When he came out from under he apologized for swearing and yelling, at times the frustration was huge and the gross was unbelievable. With a recent rain, the ground in that 4ft high crawl space was deep with mud. I was astounded by his tenacity and super proud of his commitment to finish the messy job. (Yes, he begged both myself and his sister to join him, multiple times.)
My daughter fed us Oreos filled with toothpaste...she pranked us all day. We no longer love this cookie.
Life is happening.