I read an article the other day explaining that our emotional well being is most important. Specifically for our children, so pushing them to do school work during self-quarantine is unnecessary if it causes stress.
I am unraveling on many levels. I am not generating connection and love in my home. Or so I think. Frustration and irritation are my current bedfellows.
It feels like depression...but it is something else all together.
Yesterday I spoke with my kids about some semblance of a routine. I could have been talking to a wall. I mentioned self respect and practicing daily the art of: bathing, making your bed, eating breakfast and getting outside. It was my effort to thwart the ever present rationale of "Why Care?" They are just as happy to stay in their pj's eat potato chips and candy all day while zoning out in front of their screens.
In some ways I can't blame them...I LOVED to do this as a kid myself.
Again, what is important?
Al-anon tells me to not be concerned with other, just focus on myself. So is all this management meddling? Is it my attempt to control an uncontrollable situation?
I drove by two separate food bank sites yesterday, everyone in gloves and masked.
Our school district is offering free computers to families in need. Does that mean we will get free wi-fi too? Is Comcast on board?
Everything is happening just as it needs to be, right? So what is my problem exactly? Why can't I just ride the wave?
It seems to be my attachment to what I know and more specifically THE WAY IT WAS. I can feel the confusion daily as I try to develop systems going forward.
I need to be creative, be willing to explore new models of operation an all fronts. Wow. this is exciting, draining and hard. Being forced to cultivate inspiration is not something I am used to really. Oh? Maybe I am setting my sites too high? I think not. This is a time to lead, seems that way at least. Only way to affect positive change methinks. And I am talking small steps, mini-shifts, grounding gestures. My family needs stability, always and especially in times of uncertainty. I know this is necessary for everyone.
And when it gets to be about 6pm, I feel wrecked. This is not a daily reality, just sometimes. I suppose it is part of this cycle of change, my perseverance comes in many colors. What I mean is it cannot look the same every day, it will change. The constant is my presence, I am here, that's a fact.
Am I ashamed? Feeling guilty? Yeah, I think so. I am mad at myself for not being able to rally my family at home for an afternoon walk and a playful exchange, today. All I seem to have the energy for is yelling. Both kids did their chores and their homework. They are content. So what's my beef? Maybe I secretly wish they would cook dinner - they both refuse, wholeheartedly.
I can identify a part of me that is sad and lonely. Is that pathetic? Or is it understandable? Four people told me yesterday they are so happy to have partners during this time....UGH!
In my fantasy world it would be awesome to have a partner. But here is what I know: all my friends are handling this isolation/pandemic stuff differently. It is a lot to digest, to adjust and manage in our households/lives/different communication styles. We can easily take out our frustrations on each other and for the most part we don't. We can give each other the space needed to process all of it for ourselves. There is respect.
My kids are not upset or demanding in any way, honestly. They are just bumping along, working with what they have and making the most of it, daily. My teachers. Oh gawd, does that sound like bliss? Again, what is my trouble? Is it that they are just not doing what I want them to do. And what is that exactly? I have no idea. It seems wrapped up in an old story, a source for my discontent. I can only generate a hope of coming home to dinner made. Could it be that simple? If I translate that I think I find I want some loving attention. Does that sound crazy? Ha! Mcdonald's? Dominoes? (if I am super lazy) or just Home Delivery! It really is an easy fix. This is not the time to be picky!!!!
I am on an edge. (Hell, we all are in this together. Some more aware than others). I am stepping into the unknown. I am freaking out. AND I am excited, thrilled to my bones. I am not wallowing, I am looking forward. Terror is here, yet I feel compelled to generate hope and practice a type of momentum, so I am not stuck. I may sound stuck, momentarily, but I know I am fluid. This is a time for opportunity and massive change. And we are all going through it, #alonetogether. This is the time to formulate (on all fronts) Redesign, Reevaluation and Reentry.
So this gnawing voice, this thing that seems to pull me backward into a memory: a place that no longer exists, is making me mad. What is that? Attachment? Do I need to acknowledge it with compassion? Can I do that?
Because after writing this, even though it (this thing) has a presence, it certainly is not preventing me from expanding. That is a fact. And my home life? I need to maintain my own emotional well being by accepting my feelings moment to moment. Showing my anger, which is rooted in fear, can be managed better. Today I will choose a walk with my dog instead of opening my mouth toward loved ones. I promise ;-) And if I forget, I will for